More Digging....

I wrote my blog, then saved it in draft. I then went off to my Biofeedback specialist and had my second session. It was very very interesting. It was very connected to what I am about to write and what I wrote about yesterday afternoon.
And thank you for your comments yesterday, it was appreciated…..


Continued Saga from yesterday....


I got all hooked up to the machine and she mentioned that I looked like a different person. I’m still low on my minerals but getting better. Still need to work on the parasite and liver detox though so will be continuing that for another two weeks.  Then I asked her to ask my body what it was that I was hiding. What was buried so deep within that after all these years of meditating, I have not found it yet. So she plugged in the word "Overweight" and its response was this:  "Too many Shoulders | Fear of Loss | Who or What are you trying to hold on to" 


Then black olives came up (I know what this means), and L2 which comes from Louise Hay's "Heal your Body". L2 is "Stuck in childhood pain." My healing response is to be "I grow beyond my parents' limitations and live for myself. It is my turn now".  And Anger, Guilt,  fear of being alone. There was tons more that was related in a roundabout way.


So after the session, I'm pretty confident that my issue is my dealing with, or rather not dealing with, my fathers’ death. Folks that was almost 19 years ago - You'd think I would be over that by now. This is what I remember.


The day of the funeral, we were at my parents house, basically still all in shock. A friend of the family walked in the door and the very first words he said to me where "My aren't you like after your Dad, You've gained weight" ( I think this comment is key to my keeping the weight on). To this day, I remember that comment very clearly. It made me angry  at that time because this particular person was known for not thinking before opening his mouth. Anyway, I thought I was over it with the understanding of who it came from, you know, think of the source..... I'm thinking I'm not..... Note the comment “Like your Dad”….


I do remember pushing my children away and not dealing with or allowing myself to grieve. I think I felt I had to be strong and in order to be strong, I couldn't get too close to anyone. Unfortunately that included my kids. They so totally did not understand this (they were still young) and were left not understanding what happened or even what they did wrong. We have since talked to a great length about it and I have apologized and explained why. (I did not understand the Why until I lost my Mother).


I do remember some of my friends saying that I was getting hard, that I had this brick wall up around me, that I wasn't letting anyone in. No one can hurt you if you don't let them get too close. I'm a very kind, gentle, caring person that would do everything and anything for anyone. I just never let anyone do anything for me because that made me vulnerable.  I needed to be strong… for everyone else.


So of course all this means, I carried a huge load on my shoulders. My brother and sister were younger than me (I'm the oldest of the family) and it hit my brother hard - he was very very angry and I think he still is (to this day). My sister as well had a hard time and still struggles talking about him. But she admitted to me she was angry. I think I too was angry at my father for leaving us so soon. He was my rock too and I loved him very much. He died so fast, it was such a shock, none of us knew what hit us. I still remember that night very clearly....  And then of course there was my Mom to now look after.


So after all this time, I think I need to sit down, dig deep, forgive my father for leaving me with such a huge responsibility (I’m pretty sure that is how I looked at it back then – it was my choice in taking on that load not my father’s), I need forgive myself (remove the guilt) for feeling angry (this is a foreign feeling for me), and tell him it's OK and that I'm OK and everyone else is OK and to let it all go.


I even remember having a dream after my Mom passed, about my Dad, and his exact words were “I’m OK you can let go now”. I didn’t pay attention until now…


So now I have to tell my body that I don't need this fat to protect me anymore, I don't need to be “like my Dad”  anymore and that I've taken down the wall...... I no longer need to be the ROCK!


Now I think I need to work through my Mom’s stuff….. because it obviously wasn’t dealt with much either…. I was too busy being the strong, calm, in control one……


She was a tough one to deal with. When she got sick, she kind of gave up. She wouldn’t eat, she had no motivation, no get up and go. I kind of don’t blame her but I think I was mad at her for not at least trying to beat the cancer. I made her all her favorite things to try to get her to eat but she hardly did. I spent all my time with her trying to get her to live, but she just slowly just gave up. I’m not sure what was harder on me, the suddenness of my Dad, or having to watch my Mother die. It was a tough thing to go through (I do not wish that experience on anyone) and I again had to be the ROCK for my family …. Still am in a way being the oldest of the family. I am OK with my Mom’s passing as I did not want her to suffer anymore but I think, now that I’ve written it out, I was angry at her for not trying harder. But I also  understand why. With my father gone, my Mom really just wanted to let go now that she had an excuse….and she was in pain.

For years afterwards, I joined a spiritual group where I learned to meditate and I learned to understand death a bit more. I’m OK with death now (I used to be terrified) and my beliefs are pretty strong. Quite honestly, it is what kept me together after all of this…. I accept my Dad and Mom’s death, but I think it was the more emotional anger that I forgot to work out.


I really am not looking for sympathy in these posts, they are for me to finally get it out. I’m sorry if I sound at all “woe is me” because that is not my intent. I just need to work this out and obviously didn’t know how. Journaling could be my best friend right now.



So just to note:


I have grown quite a bit emotionally in the last 3-5 years with the help of my current BF. He has somehow managed to break down most of my walls and I am able to talk and be quite open with him. I try not to bundle anything inside anymore and to let him know when I have concerns or just need to talk.  But this also means I get easily hurt (feeling vulnerable) by some of his actions or lack of (I might get into them at a later date). Our relationship is not perfect but I think most of the issue is with me and my expectations (I've grown up a tad). I think after all these years of taking care of everyone else, now that I'm finally starting to take care of ME, I think he should be too :) I want to be treated the same way I treat him.... ya know!  Spoilt... I deserve it :)


My life now is good, I have a good paying job, a nice home, I take tropical vacations twice a year (this is only since I met BF), my kids are healthy, I am healthy, so there should be no reason to be hanging on to anything from the past…..


Now I just need to get over my insecurity about myself – spending so much time being a “ROCK”, I’m still insecure about myself….. and I thought I had it all together….
Thank you for sharing my story….